Jokes!
These are some of the classic jokes that have made the rounds via email over the last couple of years! Read them and weep! My suggestion is, if you are at work, rather wait till lunch time or tell someone that you are going to read them because sudden unexplained bursts of laughter / crying / rolling on the floor after falling off your chair might create some cause for concern.
The
Eukanuba Diet
I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at the vet and standing in a
queue a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care unit with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is
load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I
was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by now, practically
everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that
condition because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my BALLS and
a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Stupid b!*&h ... why else would I buy dog food?
CRAZY STATS!!
No idea if they are true!!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly
seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In
my next life, I want to be a pig..)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,
maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If
they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
The Navy
found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement
bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in
his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your
testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.
This was an email that I received and is very funny depending on which side you look at it from! I could not edit the bad language out though.
Waxing Nightmare
"My night began as any
other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner,
and play with
the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the
next few hours
(my guess is
the next few days J):
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold
wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together
in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to
your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off.
No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK?!?!?)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It is two strips facing each
other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax"
yeah...right!) - I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am SHE-RAH, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half
of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRIIIPPP!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!
... OH MY … !!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and … RRRIIIPPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe
...
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I
hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I
make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon
the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself - "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. This, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!
God bless the man who had convinced me a
few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter
"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from
me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks
or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the
side of the box.
YEAH!!! Right!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various solutions, I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub
in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off! By now the
brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace...the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY …!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and
scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooooo painful, but I really
don't care. IT WORKS!!!
It works!!! I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to
my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE...ALL OF IT!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color … "
The curry joke
THE INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named
FRANK, who was visiting
Durban from the U.S.
“Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:”
———————————–
Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one.
__________________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m
not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
___________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the
routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced
from all the beer.
_________________________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating.
Is curry an aphrodisiac?
___________________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m
burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming.
___________________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_____________________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. ____________________________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry?
JUDGE THREE: No score noted..........
